I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
