how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
