see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
