What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
