Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
