How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
