dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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