Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
