Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
