i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
