I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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