I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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