i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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