apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
