I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
