EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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