just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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