Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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