I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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