i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
