He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
