His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
