you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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