Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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