I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
