I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
