Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
