fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
