I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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