I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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