i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
