Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
