the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he fucked my hip out of place.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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