perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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