So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
