I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
