I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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