I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
