I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
