Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
