Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
