I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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