oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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