So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
