I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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