i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it was like eating out sand paper
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
