Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
