i was born a porn star she said
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
