You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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