Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
