I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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