What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
