I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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