After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
